I am a man of words. A novelist. I never expected, nor had any desire, to be a poet. Poetry clashes with my literal stoic mind. But here we are, cynical ugly poems started riffing out of my fingertips. But only after an inhuman amount of whisky. I can’t do it while sober. Limericks and comic verse comes out instead. Like this one –
Urgency
A low rumble moves my bowel
I start to run with hurried howl
Doubled over and buttocks tight
I reach the door and pull the light
I struggle and try to remove my jeans
With a gasp the button does release
I pull my pants down past my knees
And sit down fast with great relief
I then let out a massive parp
Alas, ’twas just a fart
And this one –
New Brew
No milk or sugar or coffee too
No money or friends to get some juice
I checked the fridge and in the loo
To try to make an alternative brew
Marmite, Lemon and even Glue
Detergent, soap and juice from a shoe
Stir in a pot and heat it through
To make a drink I may need to chew
The drink is ready, it smells like poo
I took a swig and soon I knew
This gross concoction will make you spew
And even go blind and death and shrew
My body went limp and I sat on a pew
My god! I thought, I love this brew
It’s better than coffee and tea and soup
It’s better than music and even booze
The best thing is the following news:
I made a batch just for you!
Childish really. But the mad weird poems, they come while I’m half crazy with booze. I barely remember writing them. But they are mounting up so I figured I’d share a few, even if it is at odds with my normal stance as a humour writer.
Andrew Chapman / Author and Screenwriter 
God, your sober poem is hilarious! I’ve never been much into poetry, but your stuff isn’t half bad!
Thanks. I’ve never been into poetry either. I suppose that makes me a fraud for writing it. There must be poets out there that write in a style that I would enjoy.
When I wrote my first novel I did so because I was looking for a particular kind of book, or voice, that I wanted to read but I couldn’t find it, so I wrote it myself instead. I am having the same problem with poetry. I can’t get into it because the thing I want to read has yet to surface for me, and so here I am, writing it myself. The Ignoble Poet.
It’s funny. You’d think it would be easier to find a novel you’d like, compared to poetry, since there’s more available novels…
I wouldn’t even know where to look if I wanted to find good poems. Let me know if you find anything you like.