I am a man of words. A novelist. I never expected, nor had any desire, to be a poet. Poetry clashes with my literal stoic mind. But here we are, cynical ugly poems started riffing out of my fingertips. But only after an inhuman amount of whisky. I can’t do it while sober. Limericks and comic verse comes out instead. Like this one –



A low rumble moves my bowel

I start to run with hurried howl

Doubled over and buttocks tight

I reach the door and pull the light

I struggle and try to remove my jeans

With a gasp the button does release

I pull my pants down past my knees

And sit down fast with great relief

I then let out a massive parp

Alas, ’twas just a fart


And this one –


New Brew

No milk or sugar or coffee too

No money or friends to get some juice

I checked the fridge and in the loo

To try to make an alternative brew

Marmite, Lemon and even Glue

Detergent, soap and juice from a shoe

Stir in a pot and heat it through

To make a drink I may need to chew

The drink is ready, it smells like poo

I took a swig and soon I knew

This gross concoction will make you spew

And even go blind and death and shrew

My body went limp and I sat on a pew

My god! I thought, I love this brew

It’s better than coffee and tea and soup

It’s better than music and even booze

The best thing is the following news:

I made a batch just for you!


Childish really. But the mad weird poems, they come while I’m half crazy with booze. I barely remember writing them. But they are mounting up so I figured I’d share a few, even if it is at odds with my normal stance as a humour writer.

3 thoughts on “Poems are for Drunks and Romantics.

    1. Thanks. I’ve never been into poetry either. I suppose that makes me a fraud for writing it. There must be poets out there that write in a style that I would enjoy.

      When I wrote my first novel I did so because I was looking for a particular kind of book, or voice, that I wanted to read but I couldn’t find it, so I wrote it myself instead. I am having the same problem with poetry. I can’t get into it because the thing I want to read has yet to surface for me, and so here I am, writing it myself. The Ignoble Poet.

      1. It’s funny. You’d think it would be easier to find a novel you’d like, compared to poetry, since there’s more available novels…

        I wouldn’t even know where to look if I wanted to find good poems. Let me know if you find anything you like.

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