I am a man of words. A novelist. I never expected, nor had any desire, to be a poet. Poetry clashes with my literal stoic mind. But here we are, cynical ugly poems started riffing out of my fingertips. But only after an inhuman amount of whisky. I can’t do it while sober. Limericks and comic verse comes out instead. Like this one –
A low rumble moves my bowel
I start to run with hurried howl
Doubled over and buttocks tight
I reach the door and pull the light
I struggle and try to remove my jeans
With a gasp the button does release
I pull my pants down past my knees
And sit down fast with great relief
I then let out a massive parp
Alas, ’twas just a fart
And this one –
No milk or sugar or coffee too
No money or friends to get some juice
I checked the fridge and in the loo
To try to make an alternative brew
Marmite, Lemon and even Glue
Detergent, soap and juice from a shoe
Stir in a pot and heat it through
To make a drink I may need to chew
The drink is ready, it smells like poo
I took a swig and soon I knew
This gross concoction will make you spew
And even go blind and death and shrew
My body went limp and I sat on a pew
My god! I thought, I love this brew
It’s better than coffee and tea and soup
It’s better than music and even booze
The best thing is the following news:
I made a batch just for you!
Childish really. But the mad weird poems, they come while I’m half crazy with booze. I barely remember writing them. But they are mounting up so I figured I’d share a few, even if it is at odds with my normal stance as a humour writer.
3 thoughts on “Poems are for Drunks and Romantics.”
God, your sober poem is hilarious! I’ve never been much into poetry, but your stuff isn’t half bad!
Thanks. I’ve never been into poetry either. I suppose that makes me a fraud for writing it. There must be poets out there that write in a style that I would enjoy.
When I wrote my first novel I did so because I was looking for a particular kind of book, or voice, that I wanted to read but I couldn’t find it, so I wrote it myself instead. I am having the same problem with poetry. I can’t get into it because the thing I want to read has yet to surface for me, and so here I am, writing it myself. The Ignoble Poet.
It’s funny. You’d think it would be easier to find a novel you’d like, compared to poetry, since there’s more available novels…
I wouldn’t even know where to look if I wanted to find good poems. Let me know if you find anything you like.