When Kids Ruled the World

I had a terrible realisation recently. I think I might be 11. And there’s a good chance you are too.  Let me explain. I remember my dad when he was in his thirties, as I am now. And I remember, very distinctly, that he was a proper grown up. He knew what he was doing. He had a business and a mortgage, he took us on holidays, could fix anything that broke. There was no sense that he was pretending to be an adult. I do not feel like that.

I remember when I was 11 and my birthday was coming up and I thought “When I’m twelve I won’t be a kid anymore.” And then nothing changed. And then my 16th birthday came up and I thought, “Finally I’ll be an adult.” I turned 16 and nothing happened. Soon I was 18. I felt the same. Now I’m 32 and wondering at what point some internal thing will click into adult mode and I no longer find fart jokes funny. Maybe it will be when I turn 40. I am still an 11 year old waiting to grow up.

I have no idea how the whole grown up thing works. From the outside looking in I probably seem like a fully functioning adult. I’m a dad, and I’m managing to parent well enough, I have a job and pay my bills, but secretly I have no idea what I’m doing. And then I thought, what if everyone else is secretly 11 too and we’re all just pretending at being an adult? What if our leaders are secretly running the country with no fucking idea what they’re doing? It would explain a lot.

And then I saw this picture on the front page of the Guardian newspaper of Theresa May and Michael Gove and I thought, “Shit! They’re 11!” God help us all.


Further evidence –

Gove_713317c102465109RestrictedMichaelGoveNEWS-large_trans++eo_i_u9APj8RuoebjoAHt0k9u7HhRJvuo-ZLenGRumATheresa-May  gove-may1402327762670_wps_3_From_the_left_Home_SecretBoris-JohnsonGeorge-OsbourneObama-Crazy2770E34200000578-0-image-m-49_142871285569128166-unaxzb

I rest my case.


The Secret to Keeping your reader’s Attention – Clarity of Thought.

Blogs are like frogs. In as much as they rhyme. On a similar note, have you ever heard of the tree Kangaroo of New Guinea? Splendid animal. Probably my current favourite. It is essentially, as its name may suggest, a kangaroo. But it has decided, against all plausibility, to live in the trees. This was an unwise decision. Evolutionarily it makes little sense. All rationale and logic has failed this wonderful and stupid animal. As favourite animals go it ticks all the right boxes; it is cute, large, and stupid. You see it has chosen to spend its life up amongst the branches but is utterly unequipped for this way of life. It keeps falling out of them. If you visit New Guinea Tree Kangaroos may well rain down on you. Marvellous. Here is a picture of one –

Tree_kangaroo2This brings me to the main point of this blog post. Have you ever tried putting a t-shirt on a cat? Not an easy undertaking. Also a dog untied my shoelaces recently.

Some people say that what a blog post really needs is consistency. Things need to make sense and have an ultimate purpose. Tortoises. If they don’t readers won’t be able to keep track of the main point which, I think you will remember, is that the word blog rhymes with frog. Which is the main lesson of all this. But also one of the hardest jobs in the world is manufacturing cottage cheese. Ever tried milking a cottage? Horse. Also there are twenty species of armadillo and only one of them can roll into a ball. I never knew that. Found out yesterday reading David Attenborough’s autobiography. It’s very good.

It is critical at this point to reassure the reader that there will be an eye-opening point at the end of this post to explain all this nonsense.

Armadill tree



Armadillos are also not suitable for trees.

Thank you for reading.