In a few days I will be older than I was one year ago by exactly a year. It is quite remarkable. The same thing happened to me last year.

Last year, on the 12th of May, I was one year older than I was the year before on that exact same date. It really is a marvel. Something to be celebrated. A thing has been achieved. I must be showered with presents.

Once a year, on the day we slipped into the arms of a midwife – covered in God knows what – we push wax into cakes and light them on fire. Completely normal behaviour. The seasons have changed, I have less hair and am marginally uglier. Yippee. Let’s blow out some fire.

Time is spinning down the drain like dirty water. I have no idea what age I will become on the 12th of May (which is a Tuesday by the way. A day that nobody has any use for. What interesting thing has ever happened on a Tuesday? Only dull things. Meetings, rain, bills, stubbed toes: these are all Tuesday things.) I suppose I could work out how old I will be. I was born in 1984 so somewhere in my mid-thirties.

I have tried to forget the exact number. I am prone to thinking I am older than I am so it’s always a nice surprise when I discover my actual age.

I have just asked my partner, Rachel, and she says I will be turning thirty-six. I have no reason not to believe her.

People have been asking me what I want for my birthday. I have been replying with the answer, “Nothing.” Apparently this is not a good enough answer.

So I gave in. I decided fine, if they want to buy me presents, I will choose some presents.

I have logged into Rachel’s Amazon account and put things in her basket. I did the same with my mother’s account (for I have their login details. Bwa Ha Ha!).

I have been ordered to forget what these things are so they are still a surprise for me when I receive them so I’m afraid I can’t tell you what they are, for I have forgotten.

I will be back on the 12th May to share with you what I got. One of the items is over ten feet squared, so who knows where I’m going to put it? It won’t fit where we live.

If you would like to buy me a present (to celebrate the incremental journey to my eventual demise) you can do so by buying a gift for yourself: One of my brilliantly funny, witty, and just overall excellent novels.

Actually, you don’t even have to buy them. Below are links to the audiobooks of my first two novels where you can get them for free (UK only unfortunately). You enjoying my writing is as good a gift to me as anything. If you don’t have much use for an audiobook then both of the titles are available in paperback and on Kindle on Amazon. I will leave you to search for them, rather than littering the page with links.

Tripping the Night Fantastic audiobook.

The Accidental Scoundrel audiobook.

Leave nothing to Death but a burned out castleNikos Kazantzakis

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