No Such Thing as a Frozen Girlfriend

It’s hard to write when your girlfriend is turning blue on the sofa. Shit, do I stop writing and get gas, or carry on and let her freeze to death? It’s a tough one. Fuck it, I’ll de-thaw her when I’m done.

I’m lucky, the cold doesn’t worry me too much. Shit, her lips are actually blue. But her teeth have stopped chattering. Either she’s warming up naturally or her jaw has frozen shut. Either way, at least I can concentrate on what I was writing without all that noise from her teeth snapping together.

It’s a snow day. The kids are off school. I went outside to see what dramatic weather event had caused this entire shutdown of the education system and found the snow, where there was snow, barely reached passed the souls of my shoes.

We are weak, us Brits.

I think the reason the schools are shut is because of the snow they think is coming. They are predicting 10cm – 20cm of snow. That’s a hell of a guess. If you asked me how big my cock was and I said between 10” and 20” you would probably think the higher number was unlikely. You would probably doubt the lower number too. 20cm of snow is unlikely.

Having said that, me and the icicle, if I can unfreeze her, are off to Brighton tonight to see No Such Thing as a Fish live. The power steering in my mini bus has gone (can power steering fluid freeze?) so I’ll be driving her Land Rover. Things are already conspiring to fuck up my plans. Snow, a broken car, and a frozen girlfriend. But then, if things always went smoothly, there would be no good stories to tell.

Man, No Such Thing as a Fish! I can’t wait to go see them. If you don’t know what that is, I will enlighten you. No Such Thing as a Fish is a podcast hosted by the QI elves. Every week they sit around a microphone and share their four favourite facts of the week. In the live show they do the same thing, just with more beer and wine in them.

Anyway, I have things I should be doing. I’m off now to prepare a manuscript and cover letter to be sent off to 42 literary agents. My deadline, imposed by the frozen one, is World Book Day. That day is today so I have much work to do. Off I go. Wish me luck.