Jane was looking at herself in her bathroom mirror. She had a towel wrapped around her freshly showered body and her wet hair caressed her bare shoulders. She wiped her hand over the steamed glass of the mirror and picked up her glass of wine. She felt nervous. How ridiculous, she thought to herself, nervous at my age. She finished her wine and put the glass down. Right, she thought, you can do this.
Amelia lay under Jane’s duvet and stared at the ceiling. The room was slowly spinning around her and her body tingled with nerves. The duvet felt heavy against her naked body. The mixture of alcohol and sexual anxiety caused her to practically buzz with anticipation. She heard Jane come out of the bathroom but didn’t look. The weight of the duvet lifted and she felt the cool air rush in. She felt the mattress move as Jane climbed into bed. The softness of Jane’s smooth, clean skin brushed against Amelia’s and two coy and loving bodies became entangled.
Keep entered Jane’s phone number into his phone and was about to dial when Simon came stumbling back from the toilet.
‘Right then!’ said Simon, ‘Are we going to do this or what?!’
‘Yes, let’s go,’ said Keep, hiding the phone.
Charlie picked up the full bottle of whisky and stuffed it in his inside jacket pocket.
‘Keep, you grab the other bottle and we’ll sneak it out without the bouncer seeing.’
‘You fucking idiot, I own the pub!’
Charlie laughed, ‘Fucking hell, I, fine sir, am completely, and irrevocably, drunk!’
‘But you can still say irvacu… ira voc ab. Err… you can still say… irre… voca… bly. Ha!’ said Simon.
‘Ok,’ said Charlie, ‘this is the plan.’
Charlie stood in front of Keep and Simon while Keep and Simon tried to stand still in front of Charlie.
‘We go to Simon’s house and see if Jane is fucking Sarah.’
‘Amelia,’ said Simon, raising his hand.
‘Oh yes, Amelia, and then… err, that’s it really. We’ll take it from there!’
Charlie turned on his heel and marched down the stairs and out of the pub. Simon and Keep followed suit.
The doorman grabbed Charlie by the collar as he marched past.
‘Ere!’ shouted the doorman, ‘Next time you come ere don’t think I’m gonna’ let you in so easy, you can join the back of the queue like the rest…’
Keep tapped the doorman on the shoulder.
‘Like the rest of what?’ asked Keep patiently.
‘Err… I was just sayin,’ began the doorman.
‘Yes?’ said Keep.
‘Err… that he needn’t queue when he next comes by. Err… he can just come straight in. What with him bein personal friends of yours and such.’
‘Good. We’ll be back shortly, make sure nothing goes wrong while I’m gone,’ said Keep.
‘Yes sir, of course.’
‘Oh, to be friends with the king,’ said Charlie, as he removed the doorman’s hands from his collar.
‘You know, I’m a bit nervous about all this,’ said Simon.
Charlie put his arm around Simon’s shoulders and eyed Keep to stay back a bit so he could phone Jane.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Charlie, ‘Everything will be fine.’
Keep hung back and dialled the number again. The phone started to ring.
The squeals of delight that were coming from under Jane’s duvet were enough alone to cause an entire school of teenage boys to suddenly die of spontaneous sexual combustion. To see them moving together like they were would cause your groin to turn inside out and the back of your head to explode. The duvet rolled over their hot and pulsing bodies, lips and legs locked together and hands stroked and caressed.
On the floor next to the bed, deep in the vast depths of Jane’s handbag, a mobile phone quietly vibrated with no hope of being heard.
Keep hung up the phone and shrugged at Charlie.
Shit, thought Charlie.
Charlie stopped under a street light and urinated against the lamp post. Simon staggered onward with a new sense of righteous determination. Keep held his phone, swaying out in front of him, and navigated his finger to the call button. He pressed it and put the phone to his ear. He hiccupped. The phone rang out again. Keep joined Charlie at the lamppost and started urinating against it too.
‘She won’t answer her phone.’
Charlie looked at him blankly, ‘Who?’
‘Oh, shit,’ said Charlie, with a blank drunken look on his face. He thought for a moment and said, ‘Try again.’
‘I tried t-wice.’
Charlie frowned, ‘t-wice?’
‘I’ve got hiccups. I tried twice… hic.’
Charlie zipped up his fly and looked around.
Keep turned, taking his stream of urine with him, and looked around for Simon.
‘I don’t know’ he said.
Charlie spotted him scaling a drainpipe up the side of his house.
‘What the fuck are you doing!?’ Charlie shouted, as quietly as he could.
Charlie and Keep ran up to the house and stood looking up at Simon. Simon put a finger to his lips and pointed up to his bedroom window. Keep stared up at him with his hands on his hips.
‘Why aren’t we using the front door?’ said Keep, in a shouted whisper.
Simon reached the window and peered in. It was too dark to see anything.
Charlie turned to Keep.
‘Keep… put your cock away,’ he said.
Keep looked down but didn’t seem surprised that his manhood was sharing the moment with them. He tucked it away. Charlie continued.
‘We have to stop this,’ he said.
‘I have an idea!’ said Keep.
He picked up a stone and threw it at the window. It missed and hit Simon on the head.
‘Shit, sorry!’ said Keep.
‘What the fuck are you doing?’ said Simon.
‘I don’t know,’ shouted Keep.
‘Shh!’ said Simon.
‘What can you see?’ asked Charlie.
Simon peered through again.
‘Nothing, it’s too dark.’
‘Come down, we’ll use the front door,’ said Charlie.
Simon agreed and made his way back down the drain pipe.
‘What were you thinking?’ said Charlie, when Simon got down.
‘I thought she would hear us coming through the front door,’ he said.
‘Is there another way in?’
‘We could go through the French doors round the back and come in through the kitchen!’
The duvet was half off the bed and Jane and Amelia were still kissing passionately. They stopped with a few more kisses and Jane rolled on to her back.
‘We need more wine,’ she said, looking at her empty glass on the bedside table.
‘I’ll get a fresh bottle,’ said Amelia getting up.
Her glass was still half full. She picked it up and downed it. Then Amelia picked up Jane’s dressing gown and began to slip into it.
‘Go naked,’ said Jane daringly.
Amelia smiled and let the dressing gown fall to the floor. She walked provocatively to the door and turned when she got there. She brushed her body against the door frame and raised her leg and swung her head back letting her hair touch the small of her back. She swung her body sideways out of the room and peered back in. She blew a kiss and winked. She giggled and skipped off downstairs to the kitchen.
Jane smiled and pulled the duvet up to her chin. Her body was still tingling. The Alcohol in her system added to the warm and cosy feeling that rushed around her body.
Simon opened the French door and let Charlie and Keep in. Charlie went straight to the fridge and took out a bottle of beer. He popped the lid off with his lighter and had a swig. Simon went over to the door and looked into the lounge. The TV was on but the room was empty. Keep was leaning over the breakfast bar picking at the cold leftovers from dinner.
‘So, what do I do now?’ asked Simon, ‘Just go upstairs and catch them at it?’
Charlie thought for a moment.
‘What are you going to do if they are up to something?’ he asked.
‘Join in,’ said Keep.
Charlie and Simon ignored him.
‘I don’t know,’ said Simon.
The light suddenly turned on and a drunk and naked Amelia skipped in. She stopped in shock and covered as much of her modesty as she could with her arms.
‘What are you doing here!?’ she said.
Keep put the piece of chicken he was eating down.
‘We’re here to rescue you,’ he said.
Charlie looked at Keep in bafflement and then back at Amelia. Nobody said anything.
Simon ran upstairs.
‘Rescue you?’ said Charlie to Keep.
Keep shrugged, ‘First thing that came to my head.’
Amelia was already outside and running down the street with a pillow she had grabbed from the couch covering her lower modesty. Her breasts would have to face the weather and hope for the best. Charlie ran out of the house after her.
‘Wait!’ he shouted.
She turned but carried on walking backwards at a considerable pace.
‘I’m not getting involved,’ she said.
‘You kind of already are.’
She stopped and walked up to Charlie, ‘I’m sorry that I slept with Jane, but this really is nothing to do with me! It was her idea!’
‘I don’t care, it’s not really my problem either. But you are making me quite horny.’
Keep was still in the kitchen absently eating bits of chicken and cold potatoes. He popped open a bottle of beer and made himself comfortable. He could hear Simon and Jane shouting at each other upstairs but it didn’t really worry him. He had food and beer and he was contemplating lighting a cigarette. He had seen a drunk naked girl, he had drunk whisky and smoked cigs, and now he was fed; perfection. He leaned back on one of the wooden chairs in the kitchen and blew a smoke ring. A door slammed upstairs and Jane came running down and out of the front door in her dressing gown. She grabbed the car keys from the small table by the front door on the way out.
‘JANE!’ shouted Simon, running down the stairs after her, ‘Please! We can figure this out! I’m sorry!’
‘Why are you apologizing?’ asked Keep.
Simon fell to his knees and sobbed.
‘I don’t know,’ he said, and then let himself fall onto his side where he would cry quietly for a few emotional minutes before spreading out onto his back to shout at the ceiling for a while.
The sound of Jane’s car leaving the drive brought with it a less tense air. Keep burped and picked up another potato.
A short while later Charlie and Amelia appeared at the door. Amelia no longer looked like the pure love goddess Keep had seen her as. Now she looked like she had been manhandled into a bush, which in fact, she had. Charlie looked as nonchalant as ever.
Simon had joined Keep in the kitchen and had tasked a bottle of scotch with the job of wiping his memory.
Amelia went upstairs to get dressed.
‘How did it go?’ asked Charlie, sitting down.
‘What?’ asked Keep.
‘The invasion of Poland in 1939.’
‘Jane and Simon you fucking idiot,’ said Charlie.
‘Oh, that. Not good,’ said Keep.
Simon downed the last bit of whisky in his glass and started sobbing.
‘He’s making that noise again,’ said Keep.
‘Has he drunk that whole bottle on his own?’
Simon leaned forward and picked up the empty bottle. He tried to pour another glass with no avail. He brought the bottle close to him and peered into it with one eye closed. His vision was actively working against him, as it does when you’re drunker than a balloon artist at a child’s party, so he brought the bottle to his lips instead. As he tilted his head back to take a swig he forgot to tell his body to stay put. Lacking this important information his body tilted back with him and Simon and chair soon met the ground. Charlie leaned over the breakfast bar to see if Simon had survived his little adventure floor-wards. Simon had managed to become horizontal while remaining seated; a remarkable feat. He was fast asleep. Charlie leaned back again.
Keep nodded and got two bottles out of the fridge.