Author Research and Weird Ostrich Feet

When you’re writing a novel sometimes you have to do a bit of research, and sometimes that research brings up incredibly interesting and surprising things.

In this video, my beard (which I’ve been growing for a year and a half) gets the scissors! And then I talk about a new “Mandela Effect” that I have discovered while researching ostriches. Can you describe an ostrich’s foot without Googling it? Answers below!


Nearly thirty years in the making, Cockerings is the new novel by Stevyn Colgan. I haven’t read it yet, because it’s not out yet, but I have read a few of his other books and I can attest that he is a thoroughly humourous and endlessy interesting bloke.

Cockerings is published by Unbound. Unbound is a publisher that works by crowdfunding. I think of it as pre-orders with perks. There is still a submission process for the author but, unlike traditional publishers, instead of paying the author an advance they leave it up to the readers to decide if the book will reach your bookshelf. Cockerings is currently 62% funded.

You know the really cool thing? Everyone who buys the novel at this early stage gets their name printed in the front of the book in recognition for helping to make it happen. I’ve got my name in the back of books by Stephen Fry and Terry Jones through Unbound. They are among my most treasured books.

I’ll be supporting Stevyn just as soon as payday comes around.

Check it out by following this link – 9

I think it’s a book that is well worth your support. Let curiousity get the better of you.

(If you pay a little extra you get to go to the launch party. Pay a lot more and he’ll name a character after you! Unbound make publishing just a little bit more interesting).

No Such Thing as a Frozen Girlfriend

It’s hard to write when your girlfriend is turning blue on the sofa. Shit, do I stop writing and get gas, or carry on and let her freeze to death? It’s a tough one. Fuck it, I’ll de-thaw her when I’m done.

I’m lucky, the cold doesn’t worry me too much. Shit, her lips are actually blue. But her teeth have stopped chattering. Either she’s warming up naturally or her jaw has frozen shut. Either way, at least I can concentrate on what I was writing without all that noise from her teeth snapping together.

It’s a snow day. The kids are off school. I went outside to see what dramatic weather event had caused this entire shutdown of the education system and found the snow, where there was snow, barely reached passed the souls of my shoes.

We are weak, us Brits.

I think the reason the schools are shut is because of the snow they think is coming. They are predicting 10cm – 20cm of snow. That’s a hell of a guess. If you asked me how big my cock was and I said between 10” and 20” you would probably think the higher number was unlikely. You would probably doubt the lower number too. 20cm of snow is unlikely.

Having said that, me and the icicle, if I can unfreeze her, are off to Brighton tonight to see No Such Thing as a Fish live. The power steering in my mini bus has gone (can power steering fluid freeze?) so I’ll be driving her Land Rover. Things are already conspiring to fuck up my plans. Snow, a broken car, and a frozen girlfriend. But then, if things always went smoothly, there would be no good stories to tell.

Man, No Such Thing as a Fish! I can’t wait to go see them. If you don’t know what that is, I will enlighten you. No Such Thing as a Fish is a podcast hosted by the QI elves. Every week they sit around a microphone and share their four favourite facts of the week. In the live show they do the same thing, just with more beer and wine in them.

Anyway, I have things I should be doing. I’m off now to prepare a manuscript and cover letter to be sent off to 42 literary agents. My deadline, imposed by the frozen one, is World Book Day. That day is today so I have much work to do. Off I go. Wish me luck.